Changing Outlook.....

Infertility has been my cross for far too long! I don't know what happened and I am not exactly sure how to explain it, but its done! I don't feel the burden like before and the pain doesn't feel as sharp! Perhaps I have finally (after so many years) have learned to except it. Or perhaps I have gotten over the angry bitterness that I have allowed to run rampant. I think in part its a decision that has been made.........

This past year or so I have felt a very strong urge to go back to school! However, with where we live currently that isn't an option. We have been looking at different areas, different agencies (my dear husband is in law enforcement) and different colleges. Well to make a long story short my husband has been invited to test with an agency!!! We will go down next week and Scott will do the PT test, Integrity Interview, Polygraph, and a report writing test. Please keep him in your thoughts and more importantly your prayers!

If we are lucky and blessed enough to receive a job offer (finger and toes are crossed).....I will wait a year (in-state residency) and start back to school! It is my hope to become an R.N. For what ever reason we haven't been blessed with children so instead of mourning my loss and inability why not make that my strength and help as many children as I possibly can. I might not be able to have one but why not help a thousand.

Colorado

Losing a dear friend isn't easy. Knowing that he isn't suffering and that he is with a loving Heavenly Father gets all of us through the hard times. As is the wonderful memories that goes with a life well lived. Losing Bill wasn't easy, seeing my father break down was extremely difficult, re-connecting with old friends was wonderful.

IF I can learn anything from my dad and Bill it is that of friendship. Miles and years can distance individuals, however, true bonds can and do last a lifetime.

My wonderful husband wasn't able to come for the first trip. However, he was able to come with me for the services and it allowed us to see some of the beautiful sites around Fruita and Grand Junction Colorado.

These pictures were taken in Colorado's National Monument. The one above is just a view taken from the visitor center. The picture on the right is Independence Rock. Needless to say it was adding to our case of extreme Spring Fever.

And lastly, here is a picture of me. Now you can put a face behind this blog!!

Crazy....Hectic...Month

I am sorry that I haven't posted. It has been CRAZY around here. Two trips in less then a week to beautiful Grand Junction/Fruita Colorado. It was extremely sad as my family and I lost a dear dear friend. However, it was good as I got to see some very dear friends that I haven't seen in many years.

I don't have whole lot of time as I am leaving to go across the state to Gillette, Wyoming. It will be a 10 hour road to attend a EMS trauma conference. I am looking forward to the conference BUT I hate being away from the love of my life! He is my best friend and I am not whole when I am not with him.

A Fixer

By mere nature I am a fixer. By occupation that is what I do, or at least attempt to do. I like to fix what is broken. In many ways it is like a carpenter who can draw out plans and build a beautiful home or piece of furniture. In another, like a baker who can take recipe (or create their own) and make a delicious creme brulee or crepe. I can take my scene and add things up and help my patient the best possible way I can. I am a fixer.

However, I absolutely loath NOT being able to fix things. My infertility for starters, can't fix it. It is what it is, but I don't know why and I simply can't make it go away. It tears me up not be able to fix what is wrong with me. I can't put a band-aid on it and make it all better. In my own opinion I believe it is made worse because it is perceived as something else......'oh, they don't want kids' ............'they are putting their career first'..............or 'they are waiting till they can afford it'. Then of course brings the ultimate, 'why don't you JUST adopt.' As if it where JUST that easy! There is soooooo much involved for both infertility treatment and adoption.....the physical and emotional roller coaster and then the financial which can affect the physical and the emotional. Hence the roller coaster!

Is it going to be worth all the heartache and the pain? My heart says yes, my mind says I certainly hope so. I cannot foresee the future. The only other question is...Can I Fix It?

10 Year Wedding Anniversary

On February 26, 2009 my wonderful husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding Anniversary! We unfortunately didn't have a whole lot of time or money but we wanted it to be special and memorable. Indeed it was!

Our first night as a couple was spent at a B&B in St. George Utah (we were married in the St.George LDS Temple --photo below)


I thought it would be fitting to spend our 10th anniversary at a B&B. Well, we not only found a wonderful Bed & Breakfast but one that has a very unique and special concept.............it is also a wolf sanctuary. HOWLER'S INN (http://www.howlersinn.com/ ) in beautiful Bozeman, Montana. It was absolutely fantastic! We cannot say enough about them and we highly recommend them. Chris and Mary-Martha Bahn where excellent hosts and the breakfasts....................where scrumptious!
The wolves; my simple words can not due these majestic animals justice. As much as you stand and watch these animals they in turn are watching you. You can't help but feel they see who and what you are. Hearing the serenade of their howls truly touches the soul.









Our stay at Howler's Inn was truly memorable and we are so glad we found it. What a great find it was! The highlight of course was getting to pet Camanche! He is the wolf pictured directly below.
And of course getting licked by him too! Scott and I have always had a special respect for these magnificent animals, that has only grown deeper due to our stay at Howler's.








Of course there was celebration as we marked our wedding
anniversary in the western room at Howler's.


The picture to the left is a small carrot cake (like our wedding cake) and sparkling cider!
We not only had a wonderful time but it was surely a memorable one as well. And who knows what good omens the wolves might bring us in the years to come!

"Taking Chance"

I am getting ready to send off letters to my adopted soldiers (www.soldiersangels.org) yet I find myself overcome with emotions. When I came into work this morning there was an article with numerous copies throughout the facility. The article was entitled "Taking Chance" and it was about the ultimate sacrifice of one young Marine and his journey home. My simple words cannot do this young man or any of our fallen heroes justice. The war and the chaos that it reaps seems worlds away yet knowing this young man was from Wyoming brought the war home. It is my fervent belief that our country is not only safer but in so many ways better because of the deeds of our military. Our simple mundane tasks of daily life are possible because of the countless sacrifice of so many.

I pray that all that in our service be protected from harm that all might return safely home. I also pray that we don't forget their sacrifice as we are truly indebted to them for all time.

Semper Fi

John 15:13 "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

Mosiah 2:17 "...when ye are in the service of your fellow beings

ye are only in the service of your God."

**If you would like to learn more about LCPL. Chance Phelps please visit

http://www.chancephelps.org/chance.html

A Great Day

and that is EXACTLY what I did! Scott and I had to drive out of town today and everything was just perfect. Living in such a rural area you have to travel to get to the nearest Wal-Mart, Target, Sam's Club, and pretty much any other chain store one can think of. Traveling that distance, which for me, is more then an hour and fifteen minutes allows for some deep conversation at times. Today was one of those days.

It will not come as a surprise to those reading this that I had basically lost hope of having a family. I had started to gear my thinking that it was just going to be "just" the two of us. I was starting to except that I would never hear the words "Mommy I Love You".

Today, I got a glimmer of hope

we spoke openly and candidly about adoption. Adoption has always held a dear place in my heart as my wonderful little brother is adopted. He is not only my brother but he is also one of my dearest and closest friends.

We had started the adoption process many years ago with a particular agency. I had no idea of the emotional roller coaster that just the paper work could and did cause. There was other reasons in which I will not go into detail. Suffice it to say we have not pursued it since. Right or wrong.....we simply cannot go back and change that.

The good news is; that door is being reopened and that hope is starting to come back!