By mere nature I am a fixer. By occupation that is what I do, or at least attempt to do. I like to fix what is broken. In many ways it is like a carpenter who can draw out plans and build a beautiful home or piece of furniture. In another, like a baker who can take recipe (or create their own) and make a delicious creme brulee or crepe. I can take my scene and add things up and help my patient the best possible way I can. I am a fixer.However, I absolutely loath NOT being able to fix things. My infertility for starters, can't fix it. It is what it is, but I don't know why and I simply can't make it go away. It tears me up not be able to fix what is wrong with me. I can't put a band-aid on it and make it all better. In my own opinion I believe it is made worse because it is perceived as something else......'oh, they don't want kids' ............'they are putting their career first'..............or 'they are waiting till they can afford it'. Then of course brings the ultimate, 'why don't you JUST adopt.' As if it where JUST that easy! There is soooooo much involved for both infertility treatment and adoption.....the physical and emotional roller coaster and then the financial which can affect the physical and the emotional. Hence the roller coaster!
Is it going to be worth all the heartache and the pain? My heart says yes, my mind says I certainly hope so. I cannot foresee the future. The only other question is...Can I Fix It?
There are things in our lives that we don't understand, or why it happened to us- and I won't say what's God's will - that's too easy an out for a lot of people - but what I will say is that it is a challenge that we were given and the heart, mind and soul to find an acceptable way to deal with. Not to diminish the facts - not to bury our heads, but to hold our head high and know in our hearts we have this challenge, we have the love of family & friends around us and that the path, although obscured now, will one day be revealed. It's easier said than done, but there is a reason for this path you're on. And sometimes, bad stuff does happen to good people, my Dad used to say to expect life to treat you fair because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian..
ReplyDeleteYou will find you answers one day..and I know your heart is breaking now, but don't forget, everyone has a purpose, a mission to fulfill and to find joy..in whatever form that takes. I know this isn't easy for you - my heart breaks - but even though we haven't met formally, I KNOW you are that good person and I know you'll find your path..
My prayers will continue for you to find your way..