Well I Did It.....................

Well another 5K is in the book!!!! I have never (and still don't) consider myself a runner and here I have actually completed 2!!! There is a third one planed for next month in good ole Cache Valley Utah, so I am hoping that my schedule will allow.

It is so true when they say....'one step at a time.' When I started this process a mile seemed so out of reach and now.................well a mile is 'almost' easy. Will I ever become a runner? I don't know, but I am certainly enjoying the journey. And in the end that is what truly matters. I don't have to win. I just have to complete. And in so many ways .... 'just endure to the end." As I write this I am reminded of the quote, "I never said it would be easy.....I only said it would be worth it." Running isn't easy but it is worth it. Infertility isn't easy, but the lessons learned (and still learning) are by all means worth it. By no means is my 'infertility' journey over and I sense that in a lot of ways it never will be, however I think it is how we handle the journey that really matters.

Short Update......

Sorry that I haven't blogged in ages!!!!!! To make this short and sweet the testing process didn't go well. We were both extremely disappointed at that fact, however we are planning on re-testing in November/December of this year. We both strongly feel that it is time to move on.
On a completely different note.......

I committed to do a 5K!!! Which I actually completed in August!!!! I will be doing my second on on Saturday in Pocatello Idaho!!!! I have never considered myself a runner and I am finding that I am truly enjoying it. It is my hope that by this time next year I will be up to running a 10K!!!

Changing Outlook.....

Infertility has been my cross for far too long! I don't know what happened and I am not exactly sure how to explain it, but its done! I don't feel the burden like before and the pain doesn't feel as sharp! Perhaps I have finally (after so many years) have learned to except it. Or perhaps I have gotten over the angry bitterness that I have allowed to run rampant. I think in part its a decision that has been made.........

This past year or so I have felt a very strong urge to go back to school! However, with where we live currently that isn't an option. We have been looking at different areas, different agencies (my dear husband is in law enforcement) and different colleges. Well to make a long story short my husband has been invited to test with an agency!!! We will go down next week and Scott will do the PT test, Integrity Interview, Polygraph, and a report writing test. Please keep him in your thoughts and more importantly your prayers!

If we are lucky and blessed enough to receive a job offer (finger and toes are crossed).....I will wait a year (in-state residency) and start back to school! It is my hope to become an R.N. For what ever reason we haven't been blessed with children so instead of mourning my loss and inability why not make that my strength and help as many children as I possibly can. I might not be able to have one but why not help a thousand.

Colorado

Losing a dear friend isn't easy. Knowing that he isn't suffering and that he is with a loving Heavenly Father gets all of us through the hard times. As is the wonderful memories that goes with a life well lived. Losing Bill wasn't easy, seeing my father break down was extremely difficult, re-connecting with old friends was wonderful.

IF I can learn anything from my dad and Bill it is that of friendship. Miles and years can distance individuals, however, true bonds can and do last a lifetime.

My wonderful husband wasn't able to come for the first trip. However, he was able to come with me for the services and it allowed us to see some of the beautiful sites around Fruita and Grand Junction Colorado.

These pictures were taken in Colorado's National Monument. The one above is just a view taken from the visitor center. The picture on the right is Independence Rock. Needless to say it was adding to our case of extreme Spring Fever.

And lastly, here is a picture of me. Now you can put a face behind this blog!!

Crazy....Hectic...Month

I am sorry that I haven't posted. It has been CRAZY around here. Two trips in less then a week to beautiful Grand Junction/Fruita Colorado. It was extremely sad as my family and I lost a dear dear friend. However, it was good as I got to see some very dear friends that I haven't seen in many years.

I don't have whole lot of time as I am leaving to go across the state to Gillette, Wyoming. It will be a 10 hour road to attend a EMS trauma conference. I am looking forward to the conference BUT I hate being away from the love of my life! He is my best friend and I am not whole when I am not with him.

A Fixer

By mere nature I am a fixer. By occupation that is what I do, or at least attempt to do. I like to fix what is broken. In many ways it is like a carpenter who can draw out plans and build a beautiful home or piece of furniture. In another, like a baker who can take recipe (or create their own) and make a delicious creme brulee or crepe. I can take my scene and add things up and help my patient the best possible way I can. I am a fixer.

However, I absolutely loath NOT being able to fix things. My infertility for starters, can't fix it. It is what it is, but I don't know why and I simply can't make it go away. It tears me up not be able to fix what is wrong with me. I can't put a band-aid on it and make it all better. In my own opinion I believe it is made worse because it is perceived as something else......'oh, they don't want kids' ............'they are putting their career first'..............or 'they are waiting till they can afford it'. Then of course brings the ultimate, 'why don't you JUST adopt.' As if it where JUST that easy! There is soooooo much involved for both infertility treatment and adoption.....the physical and emotional roller coaster and then the financial which can affect the physical and the emotional. Hence the roller coaster!

Is it going to be worth all the heartache and the pain? My heart says yes, my mind says I certainly hope so. I cannot foresee the future. The only other question is...Can I Fix It?

10 Year Wedding Anniversary

On February 26, 2009 my wonderful husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding Anniversary! We unfortunately didn't have a whole lot of time or money but we wanted it to be special and memorable. Indeed it was!

Our first night as a couple was spent at a B&B in St. George Utah (we were married in the St.George LDS Temple --photo below)


I thought it would be fitting to spend our 10th anniversary at a B&B. Well, we not only found a wonderful Bed & Breakfast but one that has a very unique and special concept.............it is also a wolf sanctuary. HOWLER'S INN (http://www.howlersinn.com/ ) in beautiful Bozeman, Montana. It was absolutely fantastic! We cannot say enough about them and we highly recommend them. Chris and Mary-Martha Bahn where excellent hosts and the breakfasts....................where scrumptious!
The wolves; my simple words can not due these majestic animals justice. As much as you stand and watch these animals they in turn are watching you. You can't help but feel they see who and what you are. Hearing the serenade of their howls truly touches the soul.









Our stay at Howler's Inn was truly memorable and we are so glad we found it. What a great find it was! The highlight of course was getting to pet Camanche! He is the wolf pictured directly below.
And of course getting licked by him too! Scott and I have always had a special respect for these magnificent animals, that has only grown deeper due to our stay at Howler's.








Of course there was celebration as we marked our wedding
anniversary in the western room at Howler's.


The picture to the left is a small carrot cake (like our wedding cake) and sparkling cider!
We not only had a wonderful time but it was surely a memorable one as well. And who knows what good omens the wolves might bring us in the years to come!

"Taking Chance"

I am getting ready to send off letters to my adopted soldiers (www.soldiersangels.org) yet I find myself overcome with emotions. When I came into work this morning there was an article with numerous copies throughout the facility. The article was entitled "Taking Chance" and it was about the ultimate sacrifice of one young Marine and his journey home. My simple words cannot do this young man or any of our fallen heroes justice. The war and the chaos that it reaps seems worlds away yet knowing this young man was from Wyoming brought the war home. It is my fervent belief that our country is not only safer but in so many ways better because of the deeds of our military. Our simple mundane tasks of daily life are possible because of the countless sacrifice of so many.

I pray that all that in our service be protected from harm that all might return safely home. I also pray that we don't forget their sacrifice as we are truly indebted to them for all time.

Semper Fi

John 15:13 "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

Mosiah 2:17 "...when ye are in the service of your fellow beings

ye are only in the service of your God."

**If you would like to learn more about LCPL. Chance Phelps please visit

http://www.chancephelps.org/chance.html

A Great Day

and that is EXACTLY what I did! Scott and I had to drive out of town today and everything was just perfect. Living in such a rural area you have to travel to get to the nearest Wal-Mart, Target, Sam's Club, and pretty much any other chain store one can think of. Traveling that distance, which for me, is more then an hour and fifteen minutes allows for some deep conversation at times. Today was one of those days.

It will not come as a surprise to those reading this that I had basically lost hope of having a family. I had started to gear my thinking that it was just going to be "just" the two of us. I was starting to except that I would never hear the words "Mommy I Love You".

Today, I got a glimmer of hope

we spoke openly and candidly about adoption. Adoption has always held a dear place in my heart as my wonderful little brother is adopted. He is not only my brother but he is also one of my dearest and closest friends.

We had started the adoption process many years ago with a particular agency. I had no idea of the emotional roller coaster that just the paper work could and did cause. There was other reasons in which I will not go into detail. Suffice it to say we have not pursued it since. Right or wrong.....we simply cannot go back and change that.

The good news is; that door is being reopened and that hope is starting to come back!

Finding Some Peace

When I get over whelmed with life I find that the best thing for me is to get outside. This weekend I did exactly that. I grabbed my snow shoes and headed out.

I am blessed to live in a beautiful area. An area where it doesn't take me long to get away from people and civilization. In just a few short minutes I was parked near Strawberry and started my short trek through the snow.

It doesn't take the hurt away but being surrounded by the beauty and the quiet everything at least for the moment seems okay. That everything has its place. Even the hurt and the emptiness.

I can't help but think of the poem "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost. Here is just a part of it.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

WHY???

In our extended family we are not the only ones who have struggled with infertility. My dear husband’s brother and his wife have struggled with it for their entire marriage as well. We all deal with our trials and burdens differently and I would have to admit that they have bared theirs much better then we have ours. Why, I have no idea. They did however start their marriage knowing that infertility would be an issue. Scott, my dear husband, and I still don’t know what is the cause of ours. We have been given the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. This basically means that the specialists, reproductive endocrinologists simply don’t know why.
The other day while Scott was at work his brother called and told him that they had been placed! In adoption terminology that means that a birth mother had picked them and is due this April. We are in every way so very happy for them! Their hopes and their dreams are coming true and I am truly happy for them.

Then the floodgate opened. I simply couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. As much as my heart was filled with joy for them it was also engulfed with hurt and sadness. Why? Why? Why? Why can’t the hurt just go away? If it is meant to be just the two of us then why does this hurt so much? Why can’t I just be happy for them and forget the emptiness that I feel? Why? Why? Why?
I do not have the answers, I just have the questions.............

My Adopted Soldiers

For the past several months I have belonged to an organization called Soldier's Angels (www.soldiersangels.org). It is a charity organization that sends cards and care packages to our much deserving military. I honestly didn't know how much joy I would receive by participating. I also do not expect any replies as I know our military down time is limited and that they have family who need to be kept up to date.
Today, however, I got a pleasant surprise in my mail. It was a letter from a group of Marines that I had sent a care package to. I was informed that this group was in need of some support and I gladly accepted. Marines hold a special place in my heart so I was happy and eager to help. I also tend to get teary eyed and sappy and it was no different as I read their letter. These young men belong to the EOD Section (the USMC Bomb Squad). They basically take apart the roadside bombs when they are found! I would like to share a part of the letter..........
"I can tell you that we have made a difference out here, regardless of what the media says. The Iraqi's have taken back their country and our country is much safer because of that. We enjoy what we do and are very proud to be a part of such a great nation...."
All I can add is that it is an honor and a privilege to serve these great young men. May the good Lord bless them and keep them all safe from harm.

Semper Fi

My Voice

I commute a fair distance to work and having all that time on my hands allows me time to think. Last night was one of those times. I used to sing a lot. I took voice lessons in college, I was in theatre, and I was always in a choir. Music played such an important part in my life and as I was driving it occurred to me that it has been over 10 years since I sang a solo. (Not that I am any good by any means) It was then that I realized that I have lost “my voice”. I didn’t just stop singing; I lost my reason to sing. As I look back it is also when I started to struggle with my testimony. I came to the conclusion that in many ways my “voice” is tied to my testimony. I can recall singing hymns and other gospel music and the joy that literally “swelled my heart”. I still sing in church, but to be perfectly honest something from within is missing. Please do not misunderstand I know without a doubt that the gospel is upon the earth and that we do have a living Prophet who guides and directs us. My struggle is where I fit in. Where is my place? Do I even have a place? Because I am not a mother will I ever have a place? My struggle with infertility has left a gaping hole in my heart. I used to know that there would come a day that I would hold and softly sing to my precious little one. I believed that my voice could be my child’s source of comfort. Those and so many more gave me reason to sing. As I lost those reasons somewhere along the way I allowed myself to get lost. Fortunately, for me I have a wonderful man at my side that loves and cares for me beyond measure. He is my compass. He is my anchor! He still hears “my voice” when I cannot.

getting started....again

Due to personal reasons I deleted my last blog....I am in the process of recreating it. Bare with me as I try to get this back up and running.

Thanks!